Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

On Birthing

I am a few plus months in to the whole marriage thing, and Monk and I don’t even speak about realistically trying to have kids.   Is this natural?   Here is the impression I have of couples with babies in the nearby geographic area that I live in:  No travel, Boring, Mundane.  I feel like if you have had your eyes on kids your whole life than of course having kids, gushing and blogging about them is the best thing that ever happened to you.   But what if, before ever considering children, you are living the life you want to live and can think of nothing else that would make you happier?

Should you still have kids?  This is the scary question, the argument is, “of course, this would be the best possible environment to raise your kids in.”

So instead, Monk and I opt to talk about the end result, and do nothing to initiate it and everything to avoid it.  We talk about how are kids are going to be the coolest world educated non-brats around.  Except if we question one another about making them, we light-heartedly opt out.

Is there anyone else out there like me?


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We are fighting right now and I am writing on this hidden blog that he doesn’t know I have.  Really, I don’t think anyone knows I have it or even reads it.  I can’t stand some things about him, things that I didn’t know I was signing up for when we lived abroad together.  OK, so you have me here right where you want me and now you decide to show your true colors?  When we were abroad, we were adventurous, we had the same goals, we would pinpoint a destination and jump at the chance to check it out.  Here, you don’t even want to leave our house, and as an excuse you create these household “responsibilities” for yourself.  Then you label me for having no real world responsiblities.  Umm.. cutting wood on a Saturday is a neccessity?  This is ridiculous, he is showing parts of himself that are such a turn off.  And I’m just annoying him for pointing them out.   I wonder if it would have been better living with him in The States before we got engaged?  I thought what I was getting from our life in Japan was the real thing, the real him.  Overall, he is still the same, but things that bothered me slightly in Japan are amplifying now.  IE.  the way he criticizes me, his lackluster spirit for adventure, the tone in which he answers me.  I am four week away from my wedding and this entry makes me sound 4 weeks and many years past it.  I want my marriage to be perfect… perfect for me (whatever that means.)  Monk, I want us to be different, I want us to be outstanding.

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I am getting married on Nov. 1, less than two months away.  Monk–I call him that because he looks like one– and I have been together for three years.  I have known about him since childhood.  He is my best friend’s older brother.  Saving everything until the last minute, lately I have been wedding gown shopping on craigslist in an attempt to find a decent dress that needs no altering.

I’ve come across a handful of young women recently divorced wanting no part of the dress that they wore with the person whom they thought they were going to spend the rest of their life with.  

What makes a marriage last so short?  Did you even have the time to fight?  How could you ever let yourself MARRY someone whom you would end up divorcing just a few years later?  I’ve been questioning this in my mind with Monk.  What will make mine last strong?

Last year at this time I was a girl living in Japan with a boyfriend who had started talking about wanting to get married.  I wasn’t overjoyed about it, I wasn’t not keen on it either.  At the time I loved having a boyfriend, living in a foreign country, living such a fluid life, and didn’t need the word “Marriage,” which meant binding, settled, children, monotony, entering our conversations.  But I did entertain it.  I listened intently to his stories about how outstanding our marriage would be, I contributed making up names for our five kids we would have one day.  Life was great!  I felt relationship security with a man not afraid of commitment, but didn’t have to play the wife part. 

Then September came last year and he took me on an picturesque camping trip in the mountains of Japan.  We were taking a hotspring one night in a small village that was desolate at 10 pm.  Monk said he had to call home and asked me to wait down the street.

“What?  You want me to wait in the dark down the street while you talk to your parents?” I said.  “OH NO,” it clicked in my head, “He is going to propose.”  I was scared, nervous, excited, and experiencing ten emotions at once.

These emotions didn’t stop until two days later by a turquoise-colored river where he did it.  Then the worry, scared, nervous feeling turned to elation.   I was engaged to Monk!  A sensitive, caring, thoughtful man who made me a better person.  We were living abroad, going on adventures every weekend, and we were happy!

Now a year later and two months shy of our wedding day I have learned how to be deeply in love with someone who inherently wants a different lifestyle than I want.  I want to not live in America, to live among different cultures, to forever escape winters in a tropical paradise raising my kids bilingual, barefoot and away from a materialistic pretentious society.  Monk wants to live in our hometown near our family.

So we compromised.   I am writing this in my hometown after living abroad my entire single adult life (six years since Uni.)  We have a deal to spend half a year in our hometown at the end of summer and fall, and to spend the other half on our tropical island. 

We bought a plot of land on a tropical island.  We are marrying twice in one year, both times out of the country.  We remodeled the house in our hometown.  We are each learning how to sacrifice to lay the foundations of a long, healthy and adventurous marriage.  Or at least I hope.

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